What am I Missing?

I have always struggled with the biblical advice “Don’t judge.” Don’t get me wrong, I think that’s great advice. My struggle is how to act on that advice. Seriously, what am I supposed to do with that? “Don’t judge” and do what instead? Accept everything? That feels like suspending discernment. When I first thought about not judging I twisted myself up in knots like this, but eventually I realized the problem was not determining what was right from wrong, it was how I felt about it. You see, judging for me was not the problem. Using judgement to justify my anger was. I did not only judge, I weaponized being right.

Early in my career, correction was supposed to fix things — instead it turned to frustration. My engineering brain analyzed problems quickly and efficiently, and the emotional certainty I felt told me I had all the answers. At Motorola I nearly ended up in a screaming match with an engineer over a technical requirement. I thought she was being stubborn, she thought I was being abusive. We both ended up in HR.

She would not be the first coworker I tangled with. I usually blamed them. How could they be like this? My world changed when I stopped looking at them and looked in the mirror. What part did I play in my little parade of sad, angry encounters? Regardless of how “right” I was, my instincts told me the way I acted was worse than any solution I could bring to bear.

Instead of rushing to judgement, what if I could shift to curiosity? What if, instead of leading with a statement: “Let me tell you what’s wrong!” I could begin with a question. “What am I missing?”

I wasn’t sure it would work. It seemed like such a small thing. But the first time I tried it, the results were profound. I had been talking to my mother on the phone, sharing a business problem when she said something that set me off. I immediately judged it to be a rebuke. I felt the anger rise in my face, but this time, rather than argue back, I took a breath and asked myself, “What am I missing here?” To her, I said, “Say more about that.” Mom happily obliged and went on to explain she wanted to validate my feelings. I had reacted to her words but missed what she meant. Curiosity opened the door to allow more information to fill the void between us, completing the picture. Appreciation swiftly replaced my anger.

That moment sparked a practice I still use to this day. When I feel frustration rise, I reach for curiosity. I ask, “What am I missing?” And more often than not, this move produces similar results. But why does it work?

According to research, we are wired to make fast decisions using only the information in front of us. We all have a slower system, however, one that looks for things we don’t see. We don’t use it much because it is expensive, yet indispensable when it comes to understanding others. Why? Because there is one place none of us can see, inside someone else’s head. When I ask, “What am I missing?” The answer is nearly always how they see the current situation. And we need that information, otherwise we are primed to make up an answer.¹ It is a very human move to think, “he didn’t reply to my email because he’s a jerk, but I didn’t reply because I was busy.” We can see our own thoughts and stories, but not those of others. This is why I find that asking the question “What am I missing?” is such a powerful tool. It leads me away from ignition into curiosity.

To put a bow on it, if you’re like me and you’ve struggled to follow the advice “Don’t judge,” give my favorite question a try. Asking, “What am I missing?” could open some doors where judgment might slam them shut.

I would love to know how it works out for you.