I know I have a long day of meetings ahead of me. They are almost all entirely Zoom, Google Meet, or God forbid Teams. But when you work remote you want to bring energy, focus, and above all that amorphous word “value.” Yeah, going to bring plenty of value today. So I log in, sit up, lean in… and then it happens. I see my face on the screen. Yeah. Me. Right there. Lower right-hand corner.
And I just can’t stop looking at it. At my face. Right freaking there.
And it’s not like I feel like I’m all that attractive to look at. Could use a hair cut. Wears glasses. One front tooth much shorter than the other. (Could I do something about that? or just let it ride? How many people are on this call because of my tooth?) I direct my attention to everyone else on the call, their backgrounds, the clothes they are wearing, the expressions on their face, the look in their eyes. Yet… like dolls stuck haphazardly on the shelf, everyone looks in different directions. And my gaze drifts back to my own face. Animated. Familiar. Strangely compelling.
I tried turning it off once. But that felt worse. In place of staring at myself, I found my gaze drifting back to the spot where I kept expecting to see myself. So I didn’t focus on the other people more, I just didn’t get to see myself at all. What’s more, that realization made me feel more guilty, as if I had some kind of self-observation addiction. Not good.
But why am I obsessed with watching myself? I asked Claude about it. He told me it’s a common human behavior. He mentioned some study involving mirrors and people watching themselves in conversation, or some such thing - which then made me think, how do you get a grant to study that!? But really, in the moment what hit me was oh man, you mean I’m not the only person doing this? Would that mean that all those off-kilter random angle glances might also be staring at themselves? But if we all do it, why?
I have a theory. When I watch other people, I honestly have no idea what they are feeling. I have to guess. But that guy? The guy in the corner, who looks like me? I know exactly what he’s thinking and feeling, and I can see it on his face, and I understand it! What if watching myself talk is one of those rare treasures? It’s a complete communication loop, words, ideas, emotions, and expressions. No wonder I can’t look away. And I keep wondering if he’s going to fix that tooth.